Dear ________,

I am writing in response to your recent request for forgiveness. I’m sorry to inform you that you have reached your quota of sins. Our records show that, since employing our services, you have erred seven times in the area of greed, and your prayer life is substandard when compared to others of similar age and circumstances. Further review reveals that your understanding of doctrine is in the lower 20 percentile and you have excessive tendencies to gossip. Because of your sins, you are a high-risk candidate for heaven. Please understand that grace has its limits. Jesus sends His regrets and kindest regard and hopes that you will find some other form of coverage.

Sincerely,

Heaven

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