What I’m going to share with you today may shock those of you who know me. I’ve always been the “good” girl. Always followed the rules (for the most part). Never did drugs, never snuck out of the house, never got in any real trouble. I was compliant. Eager to please. Teacher’s pet. Brown-noser. Girl scout. Church-goer. 2nd chair percussionist in the band. Worship leader.

All that to say, you’re probably not expecting this next one: Porn addict.

I was exposed to pornography when I was 8 years old, and I quickly became addicted. When other girls my age were playing with barbies and riding their bikes, I was looking at porn. When some kids hid candy from their parents, I hid porn. When other kids were ashamed because they got a bad grade on a test, I was ashamed because I couldn’t get the nasty images of people having sex out of my head.

Filthy. Confused. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Disgusting. There are no words strong enough to accurately describe how I felt. I didn’t even know what porn was. I just knew I couldn’t get enough of it, even though it always left me feeling dirtier than before.

I was raised in a good Christian home, with good values and an amazing family. Like I said, I was the “good girl.” A rule-follower. Teacher’s pet.

And the best liar around. I had to be. Because a good girl like me wasn’t supposed to be addicted to porn.

Throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school, my access to porn was somewhat limited. Of course, I found plenty of ways to continue my little habit. But it wasn’t until college that it became this all-consuming, soul-sucking demon from hell.

In 2007, I started my first semester of college at Dallas Baptist University. It was a good Christian college, filled with good Christian people with good Christian values, who went to good Christian classes taught by good Christian professors, so they could go get good Christian jobs, raise good Christian families, and live good Christian lives. And then there was me.

I lived and worked with these people. I went to class with these people. I hung out with these people. I led worship for these people. And I kept my secret from these people, too.

I had my own computer for the first time in my life, and there were no limits. There was nothing stopping me from watching all the porn I could handle. And that’s exactly what I did. I had total freedom…or so I thought. What I really had was total bondage.

So there I was, at a Christian university (and later at a Bible college), and I spent a good portion of my free time watching porn. I went to class, went to church, volunteered at after-school programs, led worship teams… But porn had me around the neck and wouldn’t let me go.

When I started my current job, I was so excited for a fresh, new start. A new town, new friends, new environment. Nobody knew me, which meant I could be whoever I wanted to be. And yet, the strangest thing happened… I was the exact same person, with the exact same struggles.

There I was, working for a company where our whole goal is to help people succeed wildly in every area of their lives. I got to see people healed, set free, and delivered every single day. I got to watch lives change around the world. Yet, I was living a lie.

For 17 years, I tried to walk away. I tried to quit watching porn. I tried to get the images out of my head. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get free. I could stop for a few weeks or months at a time, but each time I went back, the addiction just got stronger.

Until I gave up. I decided I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t capable of overcoming my addiction. In September 2013, I slipped into a deep, dark depression. I completely isolated myself from everyone. I gave God the finger and walked away. This God I always wanted to believe in, but never really trusted, had failed me.

I wanted to die. I was in physical pain all day, every day, with constant headaches that lasted weeks or months at a time. I went to work, then came home and watched Netflix, ate junk food, watched porn, and slept all the time. On the weekends, I never got out of bed. I could see no reason to. But I could fake it well enough around other people, and most never knew anything was wrong.

And then, something outrageous happened…

On September 28, 2014, God delivered me from my porn addiction in an instant. It was the most intense, powerful, defining moment of my life so far.

Earlier that day, I was driving home from visiting my family. I was listening to the audiobook “Not A Fan” by Kyle Idleman (which I HIGHLY recommend, by the way). While listening to this book, I got such a vivid revelation of the cross.

The cross is a symbol of an instrument of torture and death. Two heavy wooden beams nailed together, covered in warm, sticky blood. A disgusting, brutal means of public humiliation and execution. It’s a symbol of the son of God, who willingly took on that horrible death for us. A man, actual flesh and bones, hanging on the cross with nails through His hands and feet. It’s a symbol of His resurrection. A symbol of the life He gave up so we can live.

I can’t tell you how many times in a single day I see a cross. In fact, I’m sitting in my bedroom right now, and in my direct line of sight, I see 3 crosses. But before I had this revelation, I can’t tell you the last time I thought about what that symbol actually means. The cross had become nothing more than decoration for this good Christian girl.

That revelation broke me that Sunday afternoon. I pulled my car over and bawled my eyes out on the side of the road.

When I got home after my 5-hour drive, I unpacked my suitcase and started getting ready for the next day. That evening, I found myself doing what I did most evenings… Watching porn.

The video came up on my screen, and the first thing I saw was a naked woman wearing a cross around her neck.

Tears flooded my eyes, and I couldn’t breathe. In that moment, the revelation I’d had earlier that afternoon became real. The cross was never meant to be a decoration.

In an instant, I walked away from my 17-year addiction to pornography. I felt the chains breaking off of my eyes, my mind, my heart, my hands. I felt the shift inside of me. I felt the love of my Savior washing me clean, cleansing me, purifying me, making me whole once again.

In an instant, everything can change.

That was 340 days ago. That’s 340 days without porn. Without shame. Without fear. Without guilt. 340 days of PURITY.

I was a good Christian porn addict. But today, I’m a filthy, disgusting sinner washed CLEAN by the blood of Yeshua.

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9 thoughts on “I Was A Good Christian Porn Addict

  1. Today you are not a filty disgusting sinner. That is who you used to be, and the devil convinced you for years that is who were still. You believed a lie. Today, and since you gave your life to Christ, you are a daughter of the Most High. You have the spirit of Christ in you, and that is your new nature. You are being set free by the Truth, and His name is Jesus.

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  2. “And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Cor. 6:11) “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” Thanks for sharing that story of the Spirit’s power and freedom, Mary!

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  3. Is this the real reason you are going on your trip? Especially since you are washed clean from your addiciton!? Mary I am so proud of you and I love you to death!! I will miss you when you are gone!!

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  4. I know how much courage and strength it takes to not only overcome an addiction like this but to share God’s grace, deliverance, healing and freedom in you’re life. I pray that you will continue to move forward from glory to glory.

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  5. God did something similar for me. I was saved out of fear when I came to the Lord, (23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.) Jude 1:23. I was in my own strange hundu-budhist-sorcery drug haze and general perversion, and I knew that I deserved to go to hell. But, I also came to see through reading testimonies and the Gospels that Jesus was real and he would receive me even if I didn’t deserve it at all. He saved my soul.

    This great fear followed me around for around 6 years and spiritual battles raged.The fear of God was good, and at times I walked in great Joy through it, but I was surely missing something. (The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. proverbs 14:27) Through the Holy fear of the Lord I was free from actively seeking out sexual immorality in any form. I would hear stories of friends having to give their computers away and wonder, “How can he be caught up in that knowing Jesus is real and all powerful, and all that he has done for us, doesn’t he want to be free?” I had no real true understanding of God´s mercy for his children. I always wondered what people meant by the Lord’s kindness leads me to repentance. (Or do you have contempt for the wealth of his kindness, forbearance, and patience, and yet do not know that God’s kindness leads you to repentance? Romans 2:4)

    Later I got caught up in seeking out images to foment sexual immorality in my soul for about 4 years. I knew so well that God was real, and so I could never NOT ask for mercy. But, I continued to struggle on and off. One Saturday evening I failed yet a again. Just like every other time I had no desire to get out of bed the next day. But, God had asked me to make some potatoes for my brothers and sisters that morning. I woke up and told God, “I feel unworthy disgusting, worthless, and I can´t make some potatoes to try to earn my way back into your love, it´s either I am reconciled by respecting what Jesus did for me on the cross or I’m forsaken by you forever.” Having, my eternal destiny on the line, you can see why I would be in no mood to cook up some potatoes. Yet God encouraged me to do it anyway.

    On my way to church I was listening to some worship music, and sensed that God was saying,” Just worship me…” I would try, and without fail I’d be back in my own mind, trying to figure out some scheme to stop being such a failure. Finally God said,”Just go to church and worship me, and I´ll work it all out…” I got fussy but said, “Ok, fine God!”

    I dragged my ashamed self to church, set my potatoes in the fellowship hall. Walked into the sanctuary and began to sing to the Lord. As I sang the words about the blood of Jesus, I was moved into uncontrollable sobbing. I stopped singing because of some sort of human shame not wanting to embarrass myself. The Lord spoke to my heart gently in a silent voice, “…just worship me.” I began to sing again, every word formed moved me to uncontrollable sobbing again. the next song was about the work of Jesus on the cross. The incredible feeling of being cleansed through a more fresh and deeper revelation of how powerful the blood of Jesus is to show mercy to us despite the depths of darkness that we may drag ourselves into moved me to continue worshiping him through song. I cannot emphasize this enough: I WAS NOT FEELING SHAME I was being given a spiritual recognition and experiential understanding of how immense God´s love and Mercy is for me and, I believe, for all mankind. I felt that mocking voice of the enemy saying to stop the scene, I raised my hands, and my pastor walked up behind me and held my hands and began to pray for me. I began to sing again and sensed the cleansing, loving, merciful touch of God´s HOLY spirit touch me in the deepest part of me revealing his love and acceptance for me, through the blood of His son.

    People ate my potatoes and complimented me on how good they were.

    Lessons learned and Results:
    1. God used me despite my failures, exhibit A potatoes, and in many other ways as well through this period, when we look at the letters to the churches in revelation we can see Jesus recognizing the good they have done in certain areas, while simultaneously bringing EXTREMELY stern warnings.

    1.I now have a new recognition of God´s great and powerful Mercy and kindness and slowness to anger, and am now free indeed from Judging anyone else or even myself, and look to Jesus as the source of an amazing love for all humankind. I am ready to express the fullness of God´s forgiveness to anyone. (Jesus answered them, “I tell you the solemn truth, everyone who practices sin is a slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the family forever, but the son remains forever. So if the son sets you free, you will be really free. John 8:34 – 36) ( tn Or “who commits.” This could simply be translated, “everyone who sins,” but the Greek is more emphatic, using the participle ποιῶν (poiōn) in a construction with πᾶς (pas), a typical Johannine construction. Here repeated, continuous action is in view. The one whose lifestyle is characterized by repeated, continuous sin is a slave to sin. That one is not free; sin has enslaved him. To break free from this bondage requires outside (divine) intervention. NET bible note)

    2. I seek God´s joy instead of my own pleasure. (Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. nehemia 8:10)

    3. I reckon myself dead indeed unto sin but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord, whether I have just sinned or not, and through this I have found myself free from actively seeking out images to foment sexual immorality in my soul.

    4.In light of the last statement I see no point in counting the days of freedom since, my freedom is based on the work of Jesus on the cross, and not on my current track record.

    5. I have found more victory even in the privacy of my own mind, leaving me free to look the most beautiful of women in the eye and see them as God´s potential or current child! This has lead to the freedom to focus on God´s promises and trust more fully in him and actually, very often, dance for Joy! This happens when faced with shame and desire to sin I reflect on my death and new life!

    6. I know if I were to miserably fail today, I am one step away from the mercy of God, I just need to ask, and I can fully recognize myself through the work of God and not my own actions, removing the power of the devil to condemn me and releasing me from being a product of my history, whether it be good or evil. This understanding gives me hope, and hope causes me to run for God! (There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the life-giving Spirit in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. For God achieved what the law could not do because it was weakened through the flesh. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and concerning sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, so that the righteous requirement of the law may be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4)(If we say we do not bear the guilt of sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous, forgiving us our sins and cleansing us from all unrighteousness. 1 john 1:9)

    If you have failed miserably 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999 times there is no reason NOT to continue going to God, I am believing for you he shall touch your heart one day, just like he has touched mine, and the woman who wrote this blog. (Then came Peter to him, and said , Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Mathew 18: 21, 22)

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  6. Mary, thank you for having the courage to share your struggle and deliverance. Thank you for giving hope to the hopeless! I am giving everyone in my congregation a copy of this; good christian people with the same secret go to church every Sunday. If they aren’t fighting this battle, they may know someone who is. I know that many people will be delivered as a result of reading your powerful testimony. Thank you for being so brave! I am so so proud to call you friend! I love you, Nancy Wallace-Harmon

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  7. Hi Mary,

    You are BORN to prosper where you are planted.
    Everyone brought into this clean but circumstances changes a person.
    No worries, your path is cleared and really honored to being your friend through DJC.
    You will definitely create many awesome people on your way that your CREATOR will bring to you.
    Thank you for sharing your journey .
    Best wishes

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