I’ve decided the best thing I can do through this journey is to be completely honest. So, you want real and raw? Here it is…
I was going to post this photo on Facebook with a nice little encouraging message for you, about how you are MORE than the number on the scale, and the scale doesn’t define you, blah blah blah.
But this morning my heart is anxious, and to be honest, a little angry. My roommate has my scale, and she’ll be keeping it put away and only giving it to me once a week. (I agreed to this 2 days ago, because I KNOW it’s a good thing…but does someone want to convince my heart of that fact?!)
If you asked me how often I weigh myself, I would tell you once a week. But that would be a lie. I DO officially record it once a week. But I weigh myself first thing every morning. And anytime I walk into my bathroom. And anytime I’m in someone else’s bathroom and I see a scale.
And the more I weigh myself, the more unsatisfied I become. The more the voices urge me not to eat. The more that demon pulls me into the bathroom to purge. The more I try to justify whatever self-destructive habits I want to engage in at any given moment. And the more I give in.
The number on the scale determines not only my mood, but how much I eat that day. And as the number climbs throughout the day, I am tempted to eat less and less. Even watching the number drop from one day to the next isn’t enough to convince me that I really am on track.
That number controls me. That number defines me.
As much as I encourage others to not be defined by the number on the scale, it is one of the driving factors in my own life. What a hypocrite!
It seems silly to be defined or defeated by an inanimate object, such as a scale. Really silly. But that’s the reality. Sure, there’s no TRUTH in that reality, but that doesn’t make it any less real.
So, today starts day 1 of no scale. I won’t see it again until next Monday, which seems an eternity away. I even offered up my old backup scale.
Today starts day 1 of going through my morning routine WITHOUT stepping on the scale…stepping off…stepping back on…stepping off…stepping on again…stepping off…brushing my teeth, picking out what I will wear, gathering my things to take with me to work…and then stepping back on the scale again.
And even as my anxious heart wrestles with this, I know it is for the best.
Because as it is, the scale has defined me. It has beaten me into the ground. It has stolen my hope and killed my peace. It has turned great days into miserable ones. It has turned my joy into torment. It has defeated me.
And there’s one thing I’ve realized through all of this, and it’s that I don’t like to lose. Not when it comes to things like this. I don’t like being defeated.
The scale doesn’t get the last word this time. No, it doesn’t get to win today.
Instead, I will stare into the mirror and find something I LOVE about my body today. I will look as long as it takes. I will choose to love how my body works, how it moves, how it feels, what it allows me to do. I will choose to be defined by what my Father in heaven says about me.
Because the TRUTH is…
The number on the scale does not define you.
That number cannot possibly tell you who you are, or who you’re not.
That number is not a source of joy, peace, love.
That number does not measure your worth.
That number does not determine how successful you are.
That number is not your identity.
That number does not determine your destiny.
You are so much more than that.
And so am I.